A DLG Christmas Message

I put out a new Christmas decoration this year. I got it on Buy Nothing along with a mini tree and a snow globe, and I was thrilled.

My wife did not like it. “I don’t want to be told how to feel,” she said.

Well. That’s a really good point.

What she said is how a lot of people experience Christmas. We’re surrounded by messages about how we should be joyful and merry, that this is the happiest season of all. But it’s also a time when our losses, stressors, family tension, and financial problems loom, a season when we often don’t feel like enough.

Christmas Lights Shouldn’t Be Powered by Gas

Christmas might just be a mass gaslighting experience. If you’re new to the word, gaslighting refers to when someone tells you that your very legitimate and normative emotional experience is crazy. At Christmastime, we gaslight ourselves and each other. We get gaslit by songs and marketing and our own memories of what the holiday used to be like. And then we feel worse than we did because we’re not only sad, stressed, lonely, or bereaved, we also feel like we’re failing because we feel so sad, stressed, lonely, or bereaved. Everyone else is happy, after all—Andy Williams said so! So what’s wrong with me?

It's gaslighting, guys.

The holidays bring up a lot, and it’s all okay and normal. Putting Christmas on a pedestal and then trying to climb that pedestal isn’t the answer.

Take Christmas off the pedestal. Let it be what it is—stressful and overwhelming, exciting and cozy, painful and joyful and exhausting. Remember the ones who should be at the table and grieve them as you need to.

Do the holidays in a way that feels congruent to you, not in the way you’ve been told you should. Bring in the emotions that don’t fit the Christmas script and let them warm themselves by the fire, too. Let Christmas be, and let yourself be.

Believe yourself.

My wife ultimately agreed to let the JOY sign stay because she knows I want it to look like Christmas threw up all over our house, even if that includes toxic holiday messages about how we should feel. She’s a gem. But maybe next year I’ll also get a sign that says STRESSED or SAD, or because we live in the Pacific Northwest, WHY IS IT ALWAYS DARK OUTSIDE.

Pants wishes you a good day tomorrow, whatever that looks like. She hopes you’re as happy with your presents as she is with hers, and if you’re not, you can come play with her new toys*.

Thanks, KP Pals!

Merry Christmas, if that feels right to you. I hope you get through the day unscathed, if that feels better.

*she means you can throw them for her.

A Note: I’m writing about the Christmas experience because it’s the one I know. If you experience similar pressures and stressors with Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule, or by swimming in the soup of someone else’s holiday, I hope this message is helpful to you, too.