Dog Park People and Play Date Pals
Are you a dog park person or a play date pal?
When we first got Pants, we took her to dog parks. She loved it! She’d run around, bark at other dogs, play, and then…she’d start to hump.
It was so embarrassing. Was our little mutt muffin dominant? Anxious? Aggressive??
All our friends – pups and pals – wanted to hang out at the dog park. What a dream. How could we possibly say no? We needed to stop this behavior, stat.
We took Pants to a dog trainer, hoping that she would teach us how to redirect or correct this mortifying act. She…didn’t. Instead, she told us something I’d never known: dog parks aren’t great for every dog. In fact, they’re pretty much great for labradoodles and no one else. (Don’t come at me, I’m just telling you what the trainer said).
“Dogs are like people,” she explained. “Some are social and have fun in a new crowd. But most of us would find that overwhelming and anxiety-provoking if we had to do that all the time.” Imagine, she instructed, being put in a new room every week with a bunch of people you’ve never met, but are expected to immediately mingle with and have a good time.
I am an introvert. That’s my fifth circle of hell. But even for extroverts, that might be pretty anxiety-provoking. Pants wasn’t dominant. She was overstimulated.
Do you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable in a situation you “should” be fine with? Check that assumption – maybe the issue isn’t your response to the situation, but the situation itself, or your expectations of yourself.
For example, let’s take Saanvi, a 30-year-old accountant from Philadelphia. Saanvi’s friend group’s idea of a good time is to close down the bar on Friday night, but that stopped being fun for Saanvi a few years ago. She can’t drink like she used to, and more importantly, she doesn’t want to. She prefers having meaningful conversations with her friends (and being in bed by ten). So which is the problem: Saanvi, or the situation? Should she expect herself to conform to the group’s expectations, or ask the group to make space for her?
If we kept trying to force Pants to go to dog parks, she would have become more overstimulated and humpier. Maybe she would’ve become averse to dog parks, or even to other dogs in general.
Instead, we listened to our trainer and our pup, and decided to cut the dog park completely. We gave Pants a few good friends – dogs she knows and plays with regularly, who are similar in size and temperament – and we schedule play dates with them. Her favorite pals are Pearl, my sister’s rescue pup, and Sundae, who our friends adopted just weeks before we got Pants.
What do you know, Pants stopped humping. She also stopped barking in other dogs’ faces and biting their butts, her (misguided) methods of getting other dogs to play that I’m frankly surprised didn’t get her stitches.
So, are you a dog park person or a play date pal? Maybe it depends on the day or season. Maybe you’re something else altogether. Whatever the case, let yourself be. Listen to what fills you up and what freaks you out. You wouldn’t force your pup to go to the dog park because she “should” enjoy it. No, you’d give her what she needs because you want her to feel safe and have fun. Give yourself that same love and compassion, that same space to find what works for you.
Our sweet dog has played well with others in doggie daycares across the continent, but he's a hellion in dog parks. He steals balls, tries to prove himself by acting tough, and generally makes himself unpopular. In a particularly horrific incident, I was verbally abused by a man who towered over me and whose every other word was some variant of the f-word. His disproportionate reaction to my dog's behavior made me fear for my safety (you're the psychologist, but any one could see this guy has a problem). The only way to avoid such confrontations is to steer clear of dog parks and ensure that day care meets Casey's needs for canine fun. Thank you for this wise and reassuring post.
Now this is something I never knew or even considered. We go to the dog park every single day but Dezi is very selective. She either chooses one dog to play with the whole time, or NONE. She definitely has her antisocial days.
We also do play dates with my best friends dogs and when we hit the dog parks together, Dezi pays no attention to any other dogs.
These creatures fascinate me, I tell ya. I'd love to get into their minds for a day.