Dogs Can Talk

or How to Understand Other People

I wish I knew what Pants was thinking. What if she’s actually an existential philosopher? A talented rapper? A cynic who despises me?

From left to right: hates water, loves Christmas, loathes baths, loves grass

Dogs may not be able to speak, but they are expressive communicators. Pants sits by the door when she needs to pee. She puts herself in her crate for dinner precisely at 8:30. She nudges my hand when I stop petting her. This morning at the vet, she sat as far from her doctor as she possibly could with her tail tucked firmly between her legs.

I’m going to pee somewhere later but I’m not telling you where

Dogs have an extensive repertoire of body language, but humans often misread it. When a dog rolls over to show its belly, you may interpret that as a friendly invitation. But showing the belly is submissive: the dog may actually be saying, “I’m scared, please leave me alone.” When a human yawns, you interpret that as sleepy or bored. But when a dog yawns, it might mean they’re stressed. When you’re eating a burrito and they squint their eyes at you, they really want what you have in your hand.

Sometimes I don’t understand Pants’ language. She runs towards things she’s afraid of (like the vacuum cleaner or my guitar), she’s super friendly with new people but gets overwhelmed if they look at her, and she submissive smiles, which looks like baring her teeth.

The problem with people is we assume we can understand each other if we share a language. I speak English, you speak English, great! We can communicate! Except that language isn’t just the words. It’s our baggage associated with the words, our beliefs, our nonverbals and history and fear and goals and everything tied into what we say.

Which means that even though humans have the ability to speak to each other, we still get our wires crossed all the time.

·       When the grocery store cashier won’t look at you, you may think she’s intentionally snubbing you.

·       When your partner doesn’t say much to you at the end of the day, you may think they’re mad at you.

·       When your kid still hasn’t cleaned his room, you might feel like he’s defiant or disrespectful.

As a result, you end up feeling injured, persecuted, angry, or sad.

How often do we experience suffering because of misreading communication? How often do we worsen a situation by responding to a threat that wasn’t there in the first place? The first time Pants submissive smiled at me, I got so scared that she was going to bite me, but she was trying to tell me that she was scared, in the only way she knew how.

It’s okay to take a moment and ask yourself if you’re making assumptions about the other person, and then see if you can find a neutral alternative explanation for their behavior. This is a practice of catching that first negative thought or assumption about the other person and intentionally looking for a more neutral reason they may be behaving that way.

·       The cashier may be tired and just doesn’t feel up to being on for another customer.

·       Your partner may be in their own head about their sister’s illness.

·       Your kiddo may not know how to start tackling his room.

In order to think of an alternative interpretation, you have to extend curiosity and empathy towards the other person. You have to remember that the other person’s behavior is most likely not about you at all, but rather is about their own concerns, circumstances, and stressors.

SOMETIMES I FEEL STRESSED

It took me a while to get the hang of Pants’ communication, and even now sometimes I don’t read her right. Which is okay. We’re not meant to read each other’s minds. Communicating is a practice, always moving towards improvement but never expecting perfection.

Now it’s your turn. What do you think Pants is thinking in the below picture? Leave your guess in the comments!