How to Not Throw Poo
An introduction to not doing the first thing that pops into your head
I used to live on a quiet one-way street in Portland. My two geriatric shelties, Sam and Brie, needed frequent pee breaks, and took those breaks at an arthritic pace.
As a result, I spent a lot of time on my one-way street. Which meant I saw a lot of cars drive the wrong way down the street.
Something you should know about me before we move forward is that I care a lot about rules and laws that are meant to keep people safe. Seat belts? For sure. Speed limits? Bring it. Stopping at pedestrian crosswalks? YES PLEASE. So you can imagine how I might feel if someone’s going the wrong way down a one-way street, just because it’s more convenient for them. It could literally kill someone. It made me So. ANGRY. Livid. Do-something-really-inappropriate furious.
Thanks to my little turd machines, I always had a bag of poop in my hand.
One of my favorite sayings is, you are responsible for your second thought and your first action*. That first thought or emotion is not within your control. It comes out of your brain’s primal survival calculations combined with the things you’ve learned from your family, culture, and experience that are so ingrained that you don’t even think about them. They just happen.
When that shiny black sports car or luxury EV went ripping down my street, my first emotion was pure, unadulterated rage.
And now I’m going to tell you something embarrassing. My first thought was, “Throw poop at their windshield!”
I feel like I should clarify something here: throwing poo is not something I regularly want to do. Promise. That first thought probably came from my brain’s calculation of:
Threat = Anger = Fight = Find a weapon!
I’m not saying I’m proud that my brain interprets a bag of poo as a weapon. But I am saying it should get points for thinking outside the box.
I’m relieved to say I’ve never thrown poo at someone**. Why? Because I’m responsible for my second thought and first action. As the driver sped by with no regard to the well-being of the people around them, my second thought was, Chloe, do you want to cause an accident (and also maybe go to jail)? The answer being no, my first action was to take a deep breath and keep walking.
First emotion: FURY
First thought: Fling poo!
Second thought: That is not a solution, Chloe
First action: Breathe and keep walking
That first thought or emotion doesn’t mean anything about who you are as a person. You’re not bad for imagining screaming at your jerk boss or leaving the chaos of your family and driving until the road runs out. Those thoughts are instinct, survival, and the weird ways our brains put things together (poo is not a weapon, Chloe!). Judging ourselves for that first thought is unfair.
What’s more fair is being kind to that first thought or emotion, because most likely, it’s just Stew trying to protect you as quickly as possible. Be kind to that part of yourself, take a breath, and choose to do something different.
*derived from Seneca’s On Anger
**as of this writing