Why I Can’t Have a Husky and How I’m Coping
Accepting my limitations and setting boundaries with myself
Oh my god, guys, look at this dog.
Look at her happy little face, gazing into our joyful future, no doubt full of adventures and road trips and backpacking and maybe even a unicorn? I need this dog.
Except…I’m not a super active person. I live in a really small house with a postage stamp yard. My wife and I both work full time. If I get this dog:
She will be bored. Which means she’ll eat my drywall. And my flooring. Potentially my bathtub.
I’ll get kicked out of my house, neighborhood, and possibly nation if she discovers she can sing.
You better hope I’m smarter than she is. (I’m not.)
Huskies are great dogs. Look at Balto, the sled dog who led a team of dogs through a blizzard to get medicine to an Alaskan community in a diphtheria epidemic. That dog was made of STEEL. But he would not have been a hero if he lived in an urban apartment. He would have been an eviction risk.
It’s hard to look at a dog breed you really want and say, “No, that’s not right for me.” But it’s also a practice of two radically important skills: acceptance and boundaries. I love huskies. I think they’re beautiful and brilliant and SO FLUFFY. I also know that there are things about them I can’t handle. I accept them as they are, and I don’t let myself adopt one (even though I want to so bad).
People can be like this, too. You can get caught in a loop where you see what a person could be, or what you want them to be. You try to change them, wait for them to change, or try to make it work when it’s clearly not working. The friend who won’t take no for an answer, the partner who still isn’t contributing their portion to the relationship, the boss who yet again promises you a raise next year.
Let me introduce you to Rose. Rose is struggling to make ends meet in her administrative assistant job, but as long as she sticks to her budget, she can get through the end of the month. Rose’s best friend Lila struggles with money management. Whenever they hang out, Lila asks to borrow five bucks here, twenty there. She always promises to pay Rose back, but most of the time, she forgets. Rose drops hints about her financial stress and keeps hoping Lila will take the cue, but Lila is ever oblivious.
Maya Angelou said believe people when they tell you who they are. This is a practice of acceptance. You don’t have to change the people in your life who are causing harm to you. Believe them when they tell you who they are, accept that they are this way, and then decide what’s best for you.
After a while, Rose gives up on hoping Lila will become more thoughtful and aware. She accepts that Lila doesn’t realize how she’s impacting Rose. Now Rose gets to decide what’s best for her and set boundaries to move herself in that direction. She can:
Talk to Lila directly about how she’s affecting their friendship by asking for money and not paying it back.
Set a boundary with Lila that she will not lend her money anymore.
Set a boundary with herself that she will only give Lila money if she’s okay with never seeing it again, and treat it like a gift.
Say no when she can’t afford it.
I’ve accepted that I am currently not the right home for a husky, and a husky is not the right dog for me. I’ve set a boundary with myself that I will not adopt one (yet). But that doesn’t mean I can’t have them in my life at all. I fall over myself to pet them when I see them on the street, ask my friends with huskies to send me pictures (you know who you are), and watch lots of videos of huskies online.
Similarly, Rose doesn’t have to drop Lila from her life completely. She can figure out how to spend time with Lila in ways that are good for both of them, using the boundaries described above. The Book of Boundaries by
is a great introduction to how to do this.Acceptance is not permission for someone else to treat you badly. It should never be used to quiet that voice in your gut that says, “This isn’t right.” Acceptance is permission for you to set the boundaries you need to have a healthy relationship, or move on.
Now, please fill my comments section with husky pictures and stories.
Thank you! Maybe if you get a husky client in the future, you can send me videos?
I love this post, boundaries are my biggest struggle. I recently escaped a bad relationship but thought I could still take care of his dog, a Border Collie mix, while he was at work/sea. Eventually, because of who we are, I had to go zero contact with the ex and say goodbye to my fluffy boy. In an attempt to be less sad and avoid becoming a total potato, I started walking dogs at the local humane society. Making better decisions feels weird but hopefully it becomes my new thing. Thanks for sharing, I always look forward to your posts.